The Square Life

The Ryder Cup starts on Friday, but I'm guessing you didn't know that. I didn't either. Nonetheless, the Ryder Cup is always compelling, so with the help of a friend, here is a Ryder Cup preview.

The U.S. has stunk up the Ryder Cup in recent years, but this has been the year of redemption for U.S. teams. Plus, those smug Europeans are bound to fall sooner or later. So that's why I am pretty sure we'll win, even though we've been cast as underdogs. But what do I know? On occasion, I pretend to know a thing or two about golf. The truth is that I'm full of it. So, to help me, my friend Tyler (an avid golfer) has given us the following predictions. I had to alter some of the more salty wording, but Tyler's thoughts are perfectly preserved.

7 Reasons the U.S. will win the Ryder Cup

1. NO TIGER WOODS.  Without Woods the U.S. is now the underdog.  You know how America loves the underdogs.

2. This is a risky assessment—but this is a make or break opportunity for Lefty (Phil Mickelson) to actually man up and play like the hero every true golf fan has been fantasizing about for years.

3. The U.S. has home-field advantage.  I am not just saying that because the course is in the US, but I am saying that there is true home-field advantage, with the two Kentuckians, JB Holmes and Kenny Perry, playing on their home course.

4. Nick Faldo.  He will just screw something up.  Like many of the chances he had to win more majors.

5. The golf course is very easy.  The Euro’s love the tough link style courses where the wind blows like Katrina and the weather is rainy.  Well, welcome to Vallhalla, where the temp is in the 80’s this weekend and the course is wide open for the long bomb American’s. 

6. The Euro’s didn’t pick Montgomerie.  Even though he sucks this year, put him on the Ryder Cup and he becomes like Bryson Kearl at the Sunrise Elementary basketball court, nobody can beat him. 

7. Young Players.  Anthony Kim and Hunter Mahan are too young to get wrapped up in all the flaunt and tat of the show.  They are cocky and arrogant, but that will play right into the American’s favor.

Well, that’s it. A couple notes for Tyler. I had no idea you fantasized about Phil Mickelson. Should I be concerned? And by the way, “tat”? Where did that word come from? I had to look it up to make sure you weren’t being too vulgar. Oh, and thanks for the plug about my elementary ball skills. It’s nice to still have one witness that I haven’t always been fat and pathetic.