The Square Life

I like to pretend I have a huge fan base, and that they write me frequently with sports questions. I like it so much I have decided to start answering their questions. So here is my first ever imaginary mailbag. Remember, the answers are real.

Mike, San Diego: Bryson, what is your take on the excessive celebration call at the end of the BYU/Washington game? 

BK: Dumb rule, and unfortunately for the ref involved, and everyone for that matter, he made the accurate call. It seems like the flag didn’t have to be thrown, but what drives me nuts is that everyone is claiming that that call was why BYU won. Despite what those boneheads who announced the game and the rest of the national media would have you think, BYU earned this victory, and we were the better team. But if you didn’t see the game, you would never know that. Oh, and blocking a kick is impressive, by the way. 

Gretchen, Buffalo: So what’s up with BYU dropping to #18 in the AP poll? Are the Cougars being exposed for the frauds they are. 

BK: Easy Buffalo. East Carolina deserved to jump us, and so did Oregon. Whether we’re a fraud or not should be revealed this Saturday against UCLA. If we win big, we’re legit. If we lose, we’re a fraud. If we win close, email me again. 

Scott, Pocatello: How did your first week of Fantasy Football go?  

BK: I’m 1-1. I have one really good team, and one really crappy team. It’s addicting, though. I was on my computer ALL day yesterday, and it wasn’t necessary. I think once I’ve set my rosters, I need to close my laptop for the weekend and try to relax. That or I’ll break my refresh button. 

Kyle, Provo: Tom Brady is out for the year. So who is your MVP of the league now? 

BK: Two words for you: Donovan McNabb. And one more word: maybe. 

Layne, Salt Lake: Are you going to say anything about the Ute’s dominant performance this past weekend? 

BK: Nope. But you just did. 

Tyler, Draper: It’s almost time for baseball playoffs. Who do you like winning the World Series? 

BK: I always like the Red Sox winning it. I think they’re the best team with the most proven success. But the NL seems a lot stronger this year, and the Angels are really solid. Either way, I don’t think the Yankees will win this year. By the way, where’s Nelson from the Simpsons when you need him to give his patented “ha ha”?  (Note: I’ve been a Sox fan since 1999. So in case you even think of accusing me of jumping on the bandwagon, think again) 

Paul, Orem: Do you think Lance Armstrong is making a mistake by coming out of retirement? 

BK: No. Retirement wasn’t good for Lance. I mean, he dated an Olsen twin. The guy needs to revitalize his image, or at least stop being an old pervert. 

Byron, St. George: Michael Phelps is on SNL this weekend. Who are your top five funniest athletes? 

BK: I’m glad you asked. It’s hard to say. Do we go with pure comedic talent, or does unintentional comedy count? Assuming unintentional humor counts, my top five is as follows: 

1. Peyton Manning. Say what you want, but his SNL appearance was classic.
2. Charles Barkley. Now there’s a guy I wish I play poker with.
3. * Pedro Martinez. I could watch a Pedro Martinez interview all day.
4. * Shaquille O’Neal. The best part about lovable Shaq is that he really thinks we’re laughing with him.
5. * Karl Malone. “When Karl Malone get hungry, Karl Malone go to Hardees.”

* Unintentional comedy nominees 

Stacy, Pasadena: Hey BYU man, what is your prediction for the BYU/UCLA game this week? 

BK: I don’t want to go all homer on you, but I really think our offense is about to explode. And our defense will come out a lot more inspired than they did last weekend. Add home field to that, and I see a solid victory for the Cougars. BYU: 38 UCLA: 20