The Square Life

THIS GUIDE IS NOT MADE FOR YOU TO GET ARRESTED FOR STALKING. STALKERS ARE CREEPY PEOPLE WHO GET CAUGHT SIFTING THROUGH THE GARBAGE OF PEOPLE THEY ARE OBSESSED WITH. IF THIS DESCRIBES YOU—SEEK HELP. IF NOT, READ ON.

Most of us star-struck by celebrities are known as fans. We are big supporters of the people we like and wish we could know them better. If you are a fan, and you have the chance, why not try to meet them? Here are some tips to help you come face to face with your favorite star.

1) GO WHERE YOU KNOW THEY WILL BE

This seems obvious, but there’s more to it. If some big award show is coming up, celebrities will be in town. Go to the places where they needs things done.

Celebrities will need their hair done -- find salons. Celebrities will need lodging -- find hotels. Celebrities will need to get drunk later -- find bars and find where the after party is going to be. If there’s a concert in town -- find the tour bus.

If you have the money, get a hotel room in the place they are staying. Or secure a table in the VIP room at the after party.

2) FIND THE BACK ENTRANCE

Often there are entrances where you and I cannot enter. These are the doors reserved for employees or people who need privacy -- find out where they are. There will be a usually be a sign on the side of the building or around back trying to keep you out. Remember, you’re not trying to get in to the building. You just want to meet the celebrity on the outside.

3) KNOW THAT CELEBRITIES DRESS LIKE CELEBRITIES

Celebrities either dress flashy which makes them easy to spot, or they dress like criminals -- which also makes them easy to spot. Most criminals don’t have bodyguards; so chances are it might be a star. If it’s someone famous, take a picture. If not, call the cops.

I once saw Daryl Hannah leave a salon with her head down, wearing dark sunglasses. She was trying to avoid the cameras and any attention. The problem was, she’s a tall blonde with really nice clothes. I recognized right away that this was either Daryl Hannah, or a girl I should ask out on a date.

4) CARRY A CAMERA

Even if your goal is just to get an autograph from a celebrity, it helps to have a photo of him or her signing the paper. This is in case anyone questions the authenticity.

Be prepared with an easy to use camera. If your camera requires more than simply pressing down on the button, it annoys the entourage. Stars will not wait very long while you explain the five minute process of taking a picture.

Once I helped set up a meet-and-greet for Britney Spears. We were given passes to the event, but I had no time to go grab my camera from the car. After being ushered in with 40 other people, Britney came in and fielded questions. I decided to man up and ask her on a date. Even though she didn’t say yes, the real disappointment is that all I have of the encounter is a crappy photo a person two rows behind me took. You can kind-of tell that I was in the same room with Britney.

5) DRESS LIKE A TOURIST

Everyone loves helping tourists because they look vulnerable. If you look creepy, the cops will appear. Never out dress a celebrity unless it’s Bjork, Marilyn Manson, Willie Ames or anyone else who only wears T-Shirts.

When I met Justin Timberlake at the Sundance Film Festival, I went into a mall and acted like I was shopping. I had seen his people head into the mall and assumed that J.T. was with them. By fitting in with the other shoppers, he wasn’t nervous by my presence and was really nice when I stopped him and asked for a picture.

In general, try to fit in. Even at clubs. If everyone else is dressing flashy, you may need to get a flashy yourself. Remember, no more dressed up than the star.

6) THINK OF WHAT YOU MIGHT SAY

Once you’ve encountered the celebrity, have an icebreaker ready. Think of their last accomplishment and ask them about it. Act like you care about their answer even if you don’t. The only reason you are asking questions is to avoid looking like an idiot by staring at them.

Also as important in knowing what to say to Celebrities, is knowing what not to say.

When Katie Couric was in Utah for the Olympics, I made a sign that read, “Can I date your sister?” Before I could place it on display, her people saw me and moved me over to the Al Roker section. They moved me as far away from Katie as possible before explaining her sister’s death.

7) BRING RATIONS

In addition to pen, paper and camera, don’t forget to dress weather appropriate. Have extra food and water, you don’t know how long you will be waiting for a sighting. Bring mints and deodorant (you don’t want be remembered as the stinky fan).

While you are celebrity meeting, don’t forget to bring a hot friend. If you are already hot, then you double the sexy. If you are not good looking, find an attractive counter part. The better looking you both are, the better chances you have to gain access to the Celebrity hot spots. Pretty people like being around pretty people.

Last but not least, bring cash. If you don’t have a hot friend, cash always helps. Cash acts as a hot friend and will buy momentary friendships.