The Square Life

I waited a long time for a perfect date. Sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen came and ran, and I hadn’t had one date to which I could attach the adjective “magical.” I came to college sure that I’d have at least twelve dates a week to come home and swoon about, but nineteen, twenty, and twenty-one all passed without my flawless, Edenic dating episode. It took me a while to figure out that I was probably doing some things wrong. For starters, I was not at all interested in being interested in any of the guys that asked me out. Even if they were star-high-quality, I was not about to be impressed. Several more realizations like this landed on me, and since then I have learned that women have the ability to make or massacre their own dating experiences. Here are nine ways that you (a woman) can have the best dates possible (and they might help you find that that perfect date isn’t so elusive after all!)

1. BE YOU The goal of dating is to get to know people and to let them get to know you. It’s hard to get to know who someone really is if they are putting on a show. Remember you want to be with guys who like you for who you are. Relax, take a few deep breaths, and open up. Let your date get to know you as yourself, not as the girl you think he might potentially like.

2. INVOLVE YOURSELF Dating is not a benchwarming activity. You have to actually touch the ball and make some shots for it to count. While it’s great for men to provide a meal and entertainment for an evening, your date is not just a traveling circus, and you should be just as involved in making sure that you have a good time as he is. If he’s a quality guy, your date will try his best to make sure that you have fun; but a lot of that is left up to you. Spend some energy getting to know him, and ask lots of questions that you actually want to know the answer to. Asking what color his toothbrush is and, milk chocolate or dark? doesn’t provide very fertile ground to grow a relationship on. So take some time beforehand thinking about what you really want to know about your date, and then use the time you spend together to get your answers.

3. HONESTY WORKS Not every date is perfect, and you don’t fall in love with every guy who takes you out for hot chocolate. Because of that, it’s important to be clear with your date about where you stand. If you don’t want to go out again, don’t say “yes” to another date just because you think he’ll feel bad if you don’t. He’ll feel worse after date twenty-seven when you finally tell him you’re not interested. If you don’t want to keep going out with him, let him know he’s not going to die. As my friend Adam once said, “Don’t flatter yourself. He’ll be fine. He’s probably asking out another girl right now.” On the other hand, if you had a great time, tell him! Men aren’t mind-readers any more than you are, so let him in on the secret.

4. BE KIND Remember that your date is a human being. Even if he’s a little odd, he’s not just some creep from Geology who decided to ask you out. Treat him the way that you hope people would treat you, even if they thought you were weird. Don’t cut him down or make fun of him (even jokingly), and give him honest praise where due. Some guys need the confidence boost of having a girl show them even basic decency on a date, and it’s your golden opportunity to give it!

5. STAY LEVEL Don’t freak out. One date, or two or four, is not equivalent to a solitaire diamond on a platinum band from Tiffany’s. He isn’t proclaiming his passionately enkindled love by asking you out to lunch a week after your first date, so give him a break, and don’t read between lines that probably aren’t there. Be savvy enough to know when he’s really getting interested (several dates down the road), and act accordingly. But don’t jump the gun on the relationship race you might get disqualified before a winning run even starts!

6. SAY THANK YOU Few things are more attractive or more appreciated than sincere gratitude. Even if you don’t think you’d like to go out with your date again, thank him for taking you out and doing his best to show you a good time. The relationship might end there, but he’ll remember you as a classy girl, and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you’ve left him confident enough to continue on with his dating life.

7. PRACTICE POSITIVITY It’s easy to lapse into semi-whining conversation when you’re first getting to know someone: why classes are so hard, why the actor in the movie you just saw wasn’t the greatest, etc. These topics are ripe for discussion, especially if you’re struggling for other things to say. Focus your dating conversation on things that you do like and what makes life great, instead of the opposite. Granted, you should still be honest, but temper the negative things you might have to say in favor of the positive ones.

8. GIVE HIM A FIGHTING CHANCE Don’t just sit there, daring your date to impress you. Let yourself be impressed. My uncle Dave wore hammer pants and slept on my grandparents’ porch in December when he was first dating my aunt Teresa. Weird. But she put off her doubts, letting herself see just beyond Dave’s strangeness, and she struck gold. Have an open mind to different types of guys that ask you out, and don’t rule out ones with potential before you really know them you might be surprised!

9. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU This is the real secret. If you are just as concerned about your date (or more) as you are about yourself, you’ll probably end up having a much better time. He’ll recognize your efforts to make him comfortable, which will allow him to be himself and open up to you more. If you take care of him, he’ll take care of you, and you’ll be able to get to know each other for who you really are. Lighten up, and don’t let the spotlight perpetually stay on you, and chances are you’ll have a great time!