The Square Life

Ah, the holiday season. The air is crisp. Fireplaces are aglow. Your Aunt Norma just sat on your Uncle Harry’s reindeer antlers and now you must tend to her puncture wounds.

OK. So not all holiday parties are hot apple cider and warm conversation. Some you look forward to, like festive gatherings of friends where innocent gift-giving evolves into a frenzied dance party. Others you dread, usually family parties with an overabundance of fruit cakes and comments like, “I remember when you were this tall.”

No matter your level of excitement, there’s no shortage of parties to attend during the holiday season. From work celebrations to intimate gatherings, your calendar is likely booked from late October to early January, leaving little time for a regular social life in between.

But with a little training, you can figure out who to avoid and who to befriend at every holiday party to ensure that your holiday season is a little merrier.

1. The Happy Host
A party planner by birth, this person is equal parts charming and annoying. Charming because she does everything in her power to make sure her guests are having a good time. Annoying because she does everything in her power to force her guests to have a good time. You either love to hate her or hate to love her. Watch out for ... place cards. The seating is anything but random! Comes in handy ... when you need advice on your upcoming party.

2. The Mooch
This guy spends his weekends roaming from party to party just for the free food. He has no shame in showing up as “the friend of a friend of a friend.” He comes early to get the best pick of the buffet table and leaves early to make it to his next shindig. But watch out ladies: any flirting on his behalf might have more to do with what’s left on your plate than your looks. Watch out for … this guy’s breath. He reeks of gravy. Comes in handy … when you want to unload an unsavory party dish. His free food fetish even extends to over-seasoned deviled eggs.

3. The Gift Whores
These gals are eager to sign up for any gift-giving event, whether it’s a white elephant party or secret Santa soiree. Only they don’t adhere to the Golden Rule when it comes to gift giving: They either bring a cheap re-gift or conveniently “forget” their presents altogether; yet, they always manage to go home with the best gifts of the night. Watch out for … any sob story about why they need to trade their lame present for your better one. Comes in handy … when you don’t care about gifts and just want someone to introduce you to others. These girls may be greedy, but they’re outgoing as well.

4. The Hot Guy (or Gal)
Well, hello there! This guy or gal is clearly the best looking person at the party. If it’s a large gathering, that means you’ll have to fight for some face time. But if it’s a smaller crowd you might spend the night with the hottest catch in town, especially if you’re both trying to avoid The Happy Host. Get up your courage and offer him, or her, a sugar cookie and see what happens from there. Watch out for ... any blood relationship between the two of you before you turn on your charm. And, yes, a second cousin is still too close! Comes in handy ...when there’s mistletoe overhead!

5. The Distant Relative
She wears too much lipstick and perfume and has been wearing the same light-up holiday sweater since Christmas 1987. Yet, you still can’t remember her name. She’s related to someone in your family in a very distant way and insists on sharing copious details about the medical ailments of your distant relatives. (And, yes, the words pus and catheter are involved.) Watch out for ... her hugs. She’ll squeeze you tighter than a girdle. Comes in handy ... when you want the dirty details about a family drama.

6. The “Drunk”
This guy insists on blaming (non-alcoholic) eggnog for his raucous behavior. Talking too loud? Check. Asking inappropriate questions? Check. Pinching women and men alike? Check. Totally annoying? Check. Watch out for … his “drunken” storytelling. If you’re stuck next to him when he announces, “Did I ever tell you about the time … ?” politely excuse yourself from the conversation and get as far away as possible. Comes in handy ... when you need an icebreaker with Hot Guy or gal. Just point at The “Drunk” and conversation will ensue.