The Square Life

When I was asked to write about vanity, admittedly, I wasn’t very surprised. I mean, after all, I was recently named Utah’s Hottest Writer by an exclusive panel that I’m the only member of -- I’m the only one who made the cut if you know what I mean. And how do I know I’m hot? Well, in elementary school I got a valentine from every single student in my class -- including the boys. Of course, I gave everyone a valentine too, except in 4th grade mine edited Batman into saying “I’d Fight Crime For You”. Parents complained about my intimidating cards (who knew Kathy’s parents could be so uptight?). Oh, I apologize for digressing about Kathy and her parents, I forgot this is supposed to be completely about how vain I am.

The thing is people don’t understand vanity. Vanity is more than just having a pretty face -- you have to have a great body, too. But isn’t it wrong to be vain, you ask. Well, attractive, fit people don’t just look better they are scientifically proven to earn more money, live longer, score better on standardized tests and their pets will like them more. And that’s just what scientists think, let alone the professionals and my dog LSAT.

So here are some tips to pamper your own vanity:
1) Rub perfume/cologne from the current issue of Vogue on your neck, this is highly respected in Europe.
2) File - don’t clip - your nails. The extra time will help cuticles and chutzpah.
3) Clean your elbows in the shower, obviously. Also brush your teeth, not so much to be vain -- that’s just basic hygiene.
4) Use loofah as an adjective, i.e. “I smell the loofahest.”

No one wants to look bad, so let vanity work for you. The point isn’t to become superficially obsessed, it’s to take pride in your appearance the same way you should take pride in your trade or talents. Your appearance shouldn’t be the only thing you have going for you, but there is nothing wrong with making it an asset. Going to the gym doesn’t mean you have to be shallow and might it even help you reduce stress. Recent studies have even shown that regular exercise can improve cardiovascular endurance and promote good health – who knew? Some people say looks kill; I say they should, as long as no one gets hurt. Not making sense? I wish I had more time to explain, but I have to go clean my elbows and rub the January Vogue on my neck.