The Square Life

There are many personality types on the intramural fields, pools and, courts. These five are the most memorable:

VOLATILE VIC: In a strange twist of fate, Vic, a product of glory days gone awry, is constantly burdened by referees who don’t understand the rules of the sports they are officiating. Under the stress of knowing more and being athletically superior to everyone on the field, Vic’s vocabulary is often stretched beyond network television’s day-time standards, and he has to bring his Bishop’s signature to the team’s next game.
GREGORY ZOOBIE: Gregory lives by the motto, “I’m just here to have fun”—mostly because he is terrible. Unfamiliar with the shape of a football, Gregory has been brainwashed by his parents to remain unaffected by the opinions of others. However, operating under extremely low expectations, Gregory has a tendency to make an important and unlikely play in crunch time, winning over the adulation of teammates, aspiring filmmakers, and the game’s lone spectator.
NON-MAJORITY LAMARCUS: The rare Utah Valley sighting of LaMarcus leaves opponents questioning if the NCAA is aware of his participation. LaMarcus is a play-maker that imposes his will on the game, redefining affirmative action and carrying the team without trying very hard. He may even engage in intramural trash talk, shouting “Who’s academically ineligible now!?!” after impressive plays.
CO-ED CARLA: She doesn’t get the respect, but Carla doesn’t really care. She plays for the love of the game and the surprise on the faces of the men she routinely embarrasses. Carla modestly downplays her potential early in the game, only to slowly turn it on as the action progresses. Each play, the other team grows increasingly frustrated with their inability to guard her, which culminates in intra-team glares.
BROSKIE THE “BALLER”: An Under Armour-wearing warrior, Broskie is a Gold’s regular. However, Creatine has apparently negatively affected
his hand-eye coordination and he is forced to recruit his way to victory by surrounding himself with real athletes. “What are you doing next summer bro?” he constantly badgers opponents. Yet his “business internship” selling security in Minneapolis turns out a little like his intramural performance—with failed expectations.